New fire safety regulations

Note: Obviously this was posted on April Fools' Day

Due to ongoing revisement of our fire safety procedures, we hereby announce the following change in our rules.

To reduce the amount of flammable material contained in a room, only non-flammable garments will be allowed henceforth. Due to various benefits to health, comfort and radiation protection we recommend, depending on your taste and weather conditions, the use of Tremolite, Carbonite or aluminum foil. Please also refrain from bringing any harmful chemicals such as Dihydrogenmonoxide to avoid the formation of flammable gasses through thermolysis.

Furthermore, we would like to announce a number of openings for the exulted position of "sniffer (f/m)". Your task will be to survey the surrounding air for byproducts of exothermic reactions and initiate emergency procedures on detection thereof. Similarly, the position of "runner (f/m)" is available for sporting individuals able to cover the distance from the CS building to the Erlangen fire station in less than 10 minutes, should the diesel backup power unit and thereby the fire alarm system fail unexpectedly.